The Curtains behind my Eyes

“The eye is the window of the soul, the mouth the door. The intellect, the will, are seen in the eye; the emotions, sensibilities, and affections, in the mouth. The animals look for man’s intentions right into his eyes. Even a rat, when you hunt him and bring him to bay, looks you in the eye.”
―Hiram Powers

They say eyes are the window to a person’s soul. The thing is, not many people can see through to that soul.

I’ve been told, more than once, that my eyes are pretty captivating. And I like that
What I don’t like is that no matter how intensely people stare into my eyes, they can’t see the person within. Or rather, the pain within.

I don’t know, maybe I suddenly became an amazing actor or something (which is not likely), but no one seems to notice when my eyes aren’t shining as bright.

Maybe because of my resting bitch face, people think I always look miserable or angry. I’ve been told this an awful lot ever since I was a kid. But still.

But I can’t say it’s entirely everyone else’s fault.

Every once in a while, when I can’t keep the facade up much longer, someone sees through the fake happiness and asks me, “is something wrong?” “are you okay?”

And believe me when I say there’s nothing I want to do more than to break down and tell it all. Even though I have no fucking clue what to say

But even though my heart is literally on the verge of breaking, my brain tells my mouth to smile once again and say “oh, no. everything’s fine. I’m just a little tired is all”. It’s either that or, “I’m just not feeling particularly happy about anything”. And then there’s my classic line, “this is my normal face. nothing’s wrong”,

No. I’m a liar. I’m not fucking okay and I need help.

I had no idea how long I’d be able to put up with this. But I’ve found something that helps. One person, to whom I could tell everything. No, she wasn’t a family member. She wasn’t a classmate or someone who lived on my street. Heck, we met at summer camp. We were perfect strangers when we first met.

But sometimes you meet those special people with whom you share a special connection. And that’s what it was with Kira.

And I’m not gonna lie to you. Every now and then my mind tells me, “don’t tell her what’s wrong; she won’t get it”, “you’re bugging her too much, you selfish cow”. So it’s not exactly all fine and dandy now. There’s still so much of myself I’m yet to share. That I’m yet to discover even.

But knowing that there’s one person that actually sees clearly through my eyes – no matter how hard I try to hide everything – is liberating. Even if it’s just a little bit.

And I really hope that one day, I’ll become strong enough to draw back the curtains. So that everyone can see through the window to my soul.

 

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One thought on “The Curtains behind my Eyes

  1. You succeeded bitch. You made me fucken cry. Why you so good to me why why why? Listening to don’t leave is making this all harder I love you.

    Like

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