Becoming Vulnerable

VULNERABILITY: The state of being vulnerable or exposed;
                                  Susceptibility to injury or attack.


It’s something I’ve always been afraid of. Opening up to people. Saying what I’m really thinking. Giving my honest opinion. I don’t want to be wrong. I never want to be wrong.Ironically, that’s why everything goes wrong.

Ironically, that’s why everything goes wrong.

They say success is 99% failure. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten much proof. Sue me, but I’m one of those people who still pass without studying much. One of the kids who actually get math. One of the lucky ones, as some would say.

I say I’m not that lucky.

I was raised in a home that basically glorified success. My dad’s successful, despite the odds he faced when he was young. Ditto my mom. And then there’s my older sister, who’s always been good at everything. I don’t know when or how it happened, but somehow, thou shall not fail at anything has been etched into my skull. 

And even though the bar was most likely set for academics, it’s spread out to all areas of my life. My social life, my personal life, my spiritual life. Even my creativity’s been affected by it. And by “it”, I mean atychiphobia.

My irrational fear of failing.

I can’t step out of my comfort zone alone. I have to be with someone. And not just anyone. someone I know and trust. It sounds pathetic, but it’s true. I’m way too dependable for my own good and I know it.

It’s not like I don’t want to change. I do. I want to do more than just sit at home watching reruns of old cartoons and YouTube videos. And believe me, I’ve tried. Every once in a while I do something I usually wouldn’t. But every time the outcome is the same: me finding every single thing that didn’t go as well as I had liked, and blowing all of them way out of proportion. Worrying about all the minor things that don’t even matter. Telling myself that I’m so stupid for ever thinking I could do such a thing.

And this “habit” of mine is literally eating me alive.

But I know sooner or later, I’ll have to come to terms with myself. if I remain in the same spot, nothing’s ever gonna change. if I don’t ever look for answers, I’ll never find any. I could go on with this, but I think you get the point.

The problem with that is it comes with exposure. By moving forward, I’m basically telling the universe to do its worst. I’m putting myself out there without protection. I’m making myself vulnerable.

To be honest, I’ve always been vulnerable, but I’ve always tried to hide it. I put up a tough protective shell, and it worked for quite some time. Five years to be specific. But after all this time, my shell’s worn pretty thin. Not to mention I’ve outgrown it. And some things need to change.

Part of my thinks I’m crazy for doing this, but it’s time to ditch the protective shell. The gloomy, angry person I portray myself as to protect the terrified little girl underneath.
I think it’s time she came out of the shadows anyway. After all, vulnerability isn’t a weakness. If anything, it’s a strength.

One that I’m long overdue for acquiring.

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